Season One
Episode 30
Anxiety and Depression
We've got four more episodes of the summer health series before I shift towards wrapping up the half year point (how did that get here?) with episodes about my Kodåly Levels training, mid-point yearly goal check-in, and turning the focus back to music education topics.
Today's episode on anxiety and depression is something that is very personal to many of us. I know it is for me. There are ranges of these experiences and we can see it manifest in our lives in similar ways, but to different depths and in different areas. I'll focus on how I've experienced these things in my life and what has helped me to become healthier in these areas. I realize that there is not a one-size-fits-all solution. This is just a peek into it and it's vulnerable for sure, but I hope that you gain encouragement and find hope if you're facing this or know someone who is.
I have experienced depression and anxiety and dealt with it much more healthily over the past ten years than I did when I was younger. Looking back I see the signs of needing help, but the determination to prove I was fine or to just chalk it up to a phrase or being overtired or something other than what it was. Or feeling as though my faith in God should be enough to pull me out of it and then feeling guilty that I was struggling despite my faith. I feel as though so many of us have struggled with this in one way or another. I always felt so alone in it until I saw my doctor and we made a plan for my health and talked to close friends who shared their stories or offered encouragement. While taking medication is part of the plan, it's one area of the health aspect for me. I find that my mental health is also greatly improved by the choices I make in the things I do physically, emotionally, spiritually, and in what I eat.
One of the best decisions I ever made, with the help of my husband because I was crying too much to make the phone call to schedule an appointment, was to talk to my doctor and make a plan for my health. Coming to the realization that my mental health was not where it should be or could be because I wasn't functioning well was a hard thing for me to own up to and take action on. It's easy for us, especially as teachers, to take care of everyone else and tell ourselves that we're okay. That it'll get better once summer comes. Or after a stressful grade level performance is over. Or whatever reason. And sometimes it does get better. But then things that would normally just make me sad made me devastated.
I was listening the musical group The Civil wars for hours on end (which honestly I still love their music), but I had the song 'Falling' on repeat and listened to it over and over and over doing this period. The part I remember identifying with was the lyrics: "sleepwalking...drifting...tell me it's nothing; try to convince me that I'm not drowning...I'm worried about everyone but me and I just keep losing myself." Heavy stuff for sure. I can't listen to the song now without feeling the heaviness of how I felt at that time.
When I found that my outlook didn't improve and I couldn't overcome my feelings, my emotions, or my disinterest in even my favorite activities, it was a sign that I needed help. And several years later I feel so much stronger and more comfortable talking about my experience.
On the outside you'd likely never know that depression and anxiety have been something I've dealt with. It's this way for so many of us. We can be so happy and not at the same time. I have this incredibly positive outlook on life while consistently feeling a nagging pull of underlying sadness that I just can't put my finger on why it just won't go away. I don't feel as though I'm putting on a fake front of joy. Many times I do feel joy and there's so much to be joyful about. For me, it's that mental self talk has to be constantly positive to fight the thinking that tells me I'm not good enough, that I just want to crawl into bed and avoid everyone and everything, that it's useless to try, that I'm just down for no reason, and I don't want to have to try to figure out why or explain it to anyone.
The weather definitely affects my mood. I often welcome the rainy days because it means that I can have a reason to stay in bed and read/nap whatever and not try to motivate myself to get things done. Several days of rain and I often feel in a slump beyond what is 'normal.' It can feel like a battle in your mind and you can get worn out without doing anything.
The other thing that I experience is difficulty in sleeping - an unending cycle of thoughts at night, waking up around 2-3am and being unable to go to bed, worrying constantly about what the next day holds. I would be incredibly anxious about feeling as though I wouldn't be ready to teach despite having everything thoroughly prepared, a predictable schedule, and the littlest changes would throw me off or irritate me internally. You wouldn't see it on the outside, but my mind would be racing. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest as I lay there thinking through each lesson, this overwhelming sense that it was all too much. I would feel out of control and unable to do an incredible job despite everything going incredibly well on the outside. And everything during the day going so well and wondering what I'd been so worried about until the next night came and it'd repeat itself.
I'm fortunate in that I've been able to identify my stressors, finding healthy steps that I need to take when I feel this way, and having a wonderful support system. These have all been things that I've been able to rely on and make conscious decisions on. Fighting back when I have no fight and deciding that I'll do what is best for my health when I don't want to make any decisions at all has made a difference as well.
The start of being able to face each day and get enough motivation to crawl out of the hole I felt internally was to start with medicine. For me, consistency in taking medicine at night before bed is one of the keys to successfully coping with depression. Depression has been evident in the lives of some family members, some who were and are brave in sharing their experiences with me, and I remember my Grandma would begin to feel great and then decide that she must not need the medication anymore because she felt so good - despite knowing that she felt well because the medication was working as it should. So she'd lower her dose on her own or stop taking it and result in other side effects. Watching her go through this as a teenager and young adult, I made a mental note that I would be consistent with medicine that was working especially when I was feeling great because I saw what happened when it was tampered with. I've had thoughts of stopping because I don't want to be reliant on medicine, but it's this medicine that gives me a baseline. It allows me to handle things that might push me over the edge without crying constantly or getting into a deep drowning feeling so I continue to be faithful with it because I see how much healthier I am with it.
One of the things that has always frustrated me is how depression is talked about on tv and in commercials. The worst commercial in my opinion on depression had the question "Who does depression hurt?" and the person was holding their head with a pained look and the grey clouds in the background. It said depression hurt everyone. And it was like this huge amount of guilt was laid on me as I watched it feeling like I don't want to hurt anyone and why should be guilty about something that I'm struggling to control? And they made it look like this magical pill would be taken and all of sudden their problems are fixed. The pill doesn't solve all your problems. It doesn't solve your life. It gives you a baseline to help the chemicals in your body even out. It doesn't always look on the outside how it feels in the inside.
There are several other keys to dealing with depression and anxiety that have been helpful for me and many are what we're all told to do: get a good night's sleep, eat well, exercise. It can just seem overwhelming to do it. My outlet is running. Being outside, getting some vitamin D. Running changes my day. Honestly.
There isn't a one-size-fits-all fix for what will work if you're going through this. My recommendations are things that I've done that worked for me, but they're also very general things that might be good starting places for you too. The first is to confide in your spouse, be vulnerable with your closest friend or friends. Be honest. The second is to make a plan to meet with your doctor. Depending on the depth of it all, a psychologist, counselor, or therapist can be amazing people to have in your close circle. I went to a counselor in college and her words of encouragement and advice were so vital in helping me through a difficult period. Taking that first step of admitting that you need help is a huge one. And worth going through to take those next steps towards being the healthiest and vibrant person you can be so that life is manageable and worth pursuing.
The other thing that I believe is that I am not defined by my depression or by my anxiety. It's not the most important part about me and in identifying myself by other things allows me to see the depression as a part of my life and what I personally have to face, but it's not the only thing I want to talk about (in fact, I prefer to talk about many, many other things). Being able to see yourself in a positive way through who you are as a friend, a spouse, a mom or dad, a teacher, a runner, a foodie, a fashionista - these things can help you value who you are in other ways.
One of the reasons I share this part of my life is because it's important to share our experiences so that it might help other people. And it is honestly healing to share your story too. To know that we all through things in life and that one of the best ways to face the hard things is to share them. And to give hope through them.
There's a great article from Healthline that shares 20 things we can do to fight depression. It's practical and I love practical. And many of them are simple steps. It's not a 'fix' but it's a great start. There's also a great article on the Guardian about depression.
And most of all, know that despite how alone you may feel, you are not alone. You don't have to be alone in this. You are worth taking care of and loving.
Episode 30
Anxiety and Depression
We've got four more episodes of the summer health series before I shift towards wrapping up the half year point (how did that get here?) with episodes about my Kodåly Levels training, mid-point yearly goal check-in, and turning the focus back to music education topics.
Today's episode on anxiety and depression is something that is very personal to many of us. I know it is for me. There are ranges of these experiences and we can see it manifest in our lives in similar ways, but to different depths and in different areas. I'll focus on how I've experienced these things in my life and what has helped me to become healthier in these areas. I realize that there is not a one-size-fits-all solution. This is just a peek into it and it's vulnerable for sure, but I hope that you gain encouragement and find hope if you're facing this or know someone who is.
I have experienced depression and anxiety and dealt with it much more healthily over the past ten years than I did when I was younger. Looking back I see the signs of needing help, but the determination to prove I was fine or to just chalk it up to a phrase or being overtired or something other than what it was. Or feeling as though my faith in God should be enough to pull me out of it and then feeling guilty that I was struggling despite my faith. I feel as though so many of us have struggled with this in one way or another. I always felt so alone in it until I saw my doctor and we made a plan for my health and talked to close friends who shared their stories or offered encouragement. While taking medication is part of the plan, it's one area of the health aspect for me. I find that my mental health is also greatly improved by the choices I make in the things I do physically, emotionally, spiritually, and in what I eat.
One of the best decisions I ever made, with the help of my husband because I was crying too much to make the phone call to schedule an appointment, was to talk to my doctor and make a plan for my health. Coming to the realization that my mental health was not where it should be or could be because I wasn't functioning well was a hard thing for me to own up to and take action on. It's easy for us, especially as teachers, to take care of everyone else and tell ourselves that we're okay. That it'll get better once summer comes. Or after a stressful grade level performance is over. Or whatever reason. And sometimes it does get better. But then things that would normally just make me sad made me devastated.
I was listening the musical group The Civil wars for hours on end (which honestly I still love their music), but I had the song 'Falling' on repeat and listened to it over and over and over doing this period. The part I remember identifying with was the lyrics: "sleepwalking...drifting...tell me it's nothing; try to convince me that I'm not drowning...I'm worried about everyone but me and I just keep losing myself." Heavy stuff for sure. I can't listen to the song now without feeling the heaviness of how I felt at that time.
When I found that my outlook didn't improve and I couldn't overcome my feelings, my emotions, or my disinterest in even my favorite activities, it was a sign that I needed help. And several years later I feel so much stronger and more comfortable talking about my experience.
On the outside you'd likely never know that depression and anxiety have been something I've dealt with. It's this way for so many of us. We can be so happy and not at the same time. I have this incredibly positive outlook on life while consistently feeling a nagging pull of underlying sadness that I just can't put my finger on why it just won't go away. I don't feel as though I'm putting on a fake front of joy. Many times I do feel joy and there's so much to be joyful about. For me, it's that mental self talk has to be constantly positive to fight the thinking that tells me I'm not good enough, that I just want to crawl into bed and avoid everyone and everything, that it's useless to try, that I'm just down for no reason, and I don't want to have to try to figure out why or explain it to anyone.
The weather definitely affects my mood. I often welcome the rainy days because it means that I can have a reason to stay in bed and read/nap whatever and not try to motivate myself to get things done. Several days of rain and I often feel in a slump beyond what is 'normal.' It can feel like a battle in your mind and you can get worn out without doing anything.
The other thing that I experience is difficulty in sleeping - an unending cycle of thoughts at night, waking up around 2-3am and being unable to go to bed, worrying constantly about what the next day holds. I would be incredibly anxious about feeling as though I wouldn't be ready to teach despite having everything thoroughly prepared, a predictable schedule, and the littlest changes would throw me off or irritate me internally. You wouldn't see it on the outside, but my mind would be racing. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest as I lay there thinking through each lesson, this overwhelming sense that it was all too much. I would feel out of control and unable to do an incredible job despite everything going incredibly well on the outside. And everything during the day going so well and wondering what I'd been so worried about until the next night came and it'd repeat itself.
I'm fortunate in that I've been able to identify my stressors, finding healthy steps that I need to take when I feel this way, and having a wonderful support system. These have all been things that I've been able to rely on and make conscious decisions on. Fighting back when I have no fight and deciding that I'll do what is best for my health when I don't want to make any decisions at all has made a difference as well.
The start of being able to face each day and get enough motivation to crawl out of the hole I felt internally was to start with medicine. For me, consistency in taking medicine at night before bed is one of the keys to successfully coping with depression. Depression has been evident in the lives of some family members, some who were and are brave in sharing their experiences with me, and I remember my Grandma would begin to feel great and then decide that she must not need the medication anymore because she felt so good - despite knowing that she felt well because the medication was working as it should. So she'd lower her dose on her own or stop taking it and result in other side effects. Watching her go through this as a teenager and young adult, I made a mental note that I would be consistent with medicine that was working especially when I was feeling great because I saw what happened when it was tampered with. I've had thoughts of stopping because I don't want to be reliant on medicine, but it's this medicine that gives me a baseline. It allows me to handle things that might push me over the edge without crying constantly or getting into a deep drowning feeling so I continue to be faithful with it because I see how much healthier I am with it.
One of the things that has always frustrated me is how depression is talked about on tv and in commercials. The worst commercial in my opinion on depression had the question "Who does depression hurt?" and the person was holding their head with a pained look and the grey clouds in the background. It said depression hurt everyone. And it was like this huge amount of guilt was laid on me as I watched it feeling like I don't want to hurt anyone and why should be guilty about something that I'm struggling to control? And they made it look like this magical pill would be taken and all of sudden their problems are fixed. The pill doesn't solve all your problems. It doesn't solve your life. It gives you a baseline to help the chemicals in your body even out. It doesn't always look on the outside how it feels in the inside.
There are several other keys to dealing with depression and anxiety that have been helpful for me and many are what we're all told to do: get a good night's sleep, eat well, exercise. It can just seem overwhelming to do it. My outlet is running. Being outside, getting some vitamin D. Running changes my day. Honestly.
There isn't a one-size-fits-all fix for what will work if you're going through this. My recommendations are things that I've done that worked for me, but they're also very general things that might be good starting places for you too. The first is to confide in your spouse, be vulnerable with your closest friend or friends. Be honest. The second is to make a plan to meet with your doctor. Depending on the depth of it all, a psychologist, counselor, or therapist can be amazing people to have in your close circle. I went to a counselor in college and her words of encouragement and advice were so vital in helping me through a difficult period. Taking that first step of admitting that you need help is a huge one. And worth going through to take those next steps towards being the healthiest and vibrant person you can be so that life is manageable and worth pursuing.The other thing that I believe is that I am not defined by my depression or by my anxiety. It's not the most important part about me and in identifying myself by other things allows me to see the depression as a part of my life and what I personally have to face, but it's not the only thing I want to talk about (in fact, I prefer to talk about many, many other things). Being able to see yourself in a positive way through who you are as a friend, a spouse, a mom or dad, a teacher, a runner, a foodie, a fashionista - these things can help you value who you are in other ways.
One of the reasons I share this part of my life is because it's important to share our experiences so that it might help other people. And it is honestly healing to share your story too. To know that we all through things in life and that one of the best ways to face the hard things is to share them. And to give hope through them.
There's a great article from Healthline that shares 20 things we can do to fight depression. It's practical and I love practical. And many of them are simple steps. It's not a 'fix' but it's a great start. There's also a great article on the Guardian about depression.
And most of all, know that despite how alone you may feel, you are not alone. You don't have to be alone in this. You are worth taking care of and loving.
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