S6: E128 Can We Just Say It's Hard

 Season Six

Episode 128

Can We Just Say It's Hard

I have started and restarted creating this episode multiple times and nothing I could think of to say felt like it had any bearing on what you might be feeling at this point in the year.  A dose of encouragement to tell you it’s going to get better or that’s it’s only for a season?  Not sure I can promise either of those things.  Yes, at some point our teaching scenarios will pivot and yes, it could be more difficult or easier, but there’s no sign of when that is going to happen.  As far as everything feeling hard in this season, it feels like this season has become several seasons - in fact in three months it will have been a full year.  And it feels like there’s no end.  And that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s hard.  So let’s just be honest about that:

It’s hard.  All of it.

It’s messy.  A lot of it.

It’s tiring.  All of it.

It’s wearing us out.  All of it.

It’s sad.  And challenging.  And unrelenting.  And seemingly unending.

But is going to be okay.  At some point it is going to turn around.  We’re still in the messy middle.  This isn’t starting off as the most enlightening or brilliant or encouraging ways to say it’s going to be okay.  But at this point in the year I’m at a loss for what to tell myself or other educators around me except to agree that it’s hard.  It’s really hard.  And the majority of people won’t understand how it’s hard because unless you’re in the classroom right now it’s hard to really understand what it’s like. 

Is there good?  Of course there is!  We can always find something good.  I told my students today that they are my favorite part of what I do and that I mean it with my whole heart.  I’d do anything for them.  And I am.  Spending nights and weekends finding new ideas so that I can teach them to the best of my ability and give them an exceptional (or even great) year of music education.  Sacrificing time and energy and sleepless nights thinking and working and planning for how I can help them and support them and be there for them.  And I’m not alone.  On educator facebook groups and in twitter posts and all over social media there are teachers trying to explain that they are drowning.  That they are overworked and overburdened.  That they just don’t know if they can do it anymore.  And it makes me so sad.  Our job as educators was hard before the pandemic and it has only increased to a level we’ve never seen before since March of this year.  And what do we do about?  What is anyone doing about it?  What is the answer?  I certainly don’t have it.  In fact it’s what I struggled with when trying to find the words for this episode.  There were music ed topics that I thought would be great to share, but I was afraid it’d just feel like one more thing we needed to add to our plates to try.  I thought about sharing an episode where I shared encouragement and to just keep going one step at a time and that we can do this!  And we will do this.  But it felt trite - lacked originality and also felt like it downplayed how so many of us are feeling right now.  For sure we need encouragement, but we also need a lot of daily support through action and in some ways we just need to keep walking through this messy middle.

If there’s any encouragement to be had, this is all I could think of to say as we continue to face uncertainty in what our school situations look like and what we may find ourselves doing - virtual teaching, in person, or a hybrid - at any point in what remains this year, here it is:

1 - Let it be Hard

Admit that it’s hard.  Don’t put on the happy face when asked in all sincerity by a colleague or admin about how it’s going.  If it’s an appropriate time, tell them.  Share with them about what is hard and why.  There may be nothing that they can do for you, but at least you can be honest about it.  And if you’re not comfortable sharing openly and communicate better in writing, then write them.  Be considerate and don’t attack, but be honest about what you’re finding hard in this season.  And if you don’t know, just tell them it’s hard and you don’t even know what would possibly make it easier.  But at least you’ll have shared it.

2 - Find one thing - just one - that you need to do to help yourself and do it.

I found myself being highly irritated by everything in our house a few days ago.  The kitchen was a disaster with messy dishes and random stuff piled up on the island.  The girls rooms looked like a cyclone had gone through and thrown every piece of clothing they’d worn over the last week all over the floor and furniture.  The dog wouldn’t leave me alone.  I continually brought multiple things from work home and couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could teach a specific topic better or how I could help a specific student with something or even just thinking about what the next day would look like.  It was then that I realized that I hadn’t done a single thing to help myself in the ways that I know that I need to.  I was eating awful.  I wasn’t going out running.  Even my hair was neglected because I was throwing it up in a ponytail because I didn’t feel like getting it wet in the morning and feeling cold coming out of the shower so my hair looked awful and it made me feel bad.  This weekend I made an agreement with myself that no matter how full each day was that I would force myself to take at least 10 minutes to do something that had nothing to do with work and was something I could choose to do just because I could.  So I chose to go to bed earlier each night and to get in one workout every day.  Sleep and working out are always the two things that affect me more than anything else.  If you’re finding you can’t sleep - that you’re not taking care of yourself like you might have a few weeks ago - or that you just don’t have time to stop, find ten minutes.  Find five minutes.  Do something that you know is good for you and do it.

3 - Consider this

I was reading with Julia two nights ago and her bible reading for the night was from Matthew 14.  It hit me so hard.  In this passage, the bible says:

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Did Jesus see the disciples in the boat as he was up praying on the mountaintop and knew they needed help?  Did he just sense it or was he watching them from far off?  Why did he choose to walk on the water towards them instead of just stopping the storm?  What lesson could they have learned as a result of Jesus coming to them instead of just stopping it without his presence of being there?  There are so many ways Jesus could have solved this issue of the wind and waves hitting the boat.  We know that they began their journey at night and that they were far out into the water.  We know Jesus was praying alone before choosing to walk on the water towards them.  And of course they were afraid!  Can you imagine what they must have thought seeing what looked like a ghost and being fearful?  It even says they cried out in fear.  But then Peter had the nerve to test God to see if it really was Him and to ask Him if he could go walk on water too.  And God said “Come on out.”  It goes on to say that Peter looks all around him and becomes afraid of what is happening all around him and calls out for God to save him.  Jesus immediately catches him and asks why he doubted.

I feel like one of those disciples in the boat.  The wind is blowing hard.  The waves are crashing all around me.  I feel afraid at times and nervous and anxious and unsteady.  But I know Jesus is right there.  In the midst of everything that is hard.  And it gives me assurance that no matter what happens, He’s there.  I’m not alone.  I may struggle and I may doubt and I may be completely uncertain about what each day is going to bring, but I have faith and trust that when I begin to doubt and sink, I can cry out to God to save me and he’ll immediately catch me, kindly ask why I doubted, and bring me back safely.

I hope this week that you’re able to be honest with where you are with the hard things, find a few minutes each day to step back from work and do something that feeds your soul/body, and to consider who Jesus is to you.  It could be the most important thing you do this week.